It’s been a while

Wow. Except for one recent post, I haven’t logged onto my blog for while, and I definitely hadn’t looked at the stats. Apparently, people have been reading. Thank you.

I have had quite the journey since blogging about my mother’s death, though I really don’t know how much of that I’m ready to reveal. Suffice it to say that I’ve been in and out of some major trauma responses–and have experienced some deep healing because of it. I hope to share some of my learning here, though at the moment, I’m going through a remodel in my new home and am exhausted by consistent waves of triggers that I’m confronting like a super hero swashbuckling six foes at once. It feels like I’m earning a doctorate in addressing trauma, and I have the naive hope that perhaps maybe I’ll finally graduate from management of my symptoms to “true healing.”

That belief, by the way, is what has kept me from posting. I’m grappling with whether I want to be identified with trauma as a writer for however long, or live a life that has integrated beyond trauma’s daily invasions. If I could live a life that goes beyond trauma management into one where there is no trauma to manage, also known, to me, as “true healing,” do I want to be associated with it professionally?  The hope that I can heal this once and for all, get over it, is still there. Get over it–the words that piss me off more than most when I hear them given as advice. If only I could. I don’t know yet if it’s possible, and I also know better than to hold out for perfection. For today, management is what I’ve got, and it is serving me. I might as well share.

So, with the hope that my musing may actually be of use beyond pigeonholing me into a label, my intention is at the very least to get a few more posts out. It’s sort of a setup, to go public with that because my computer is in the shop and the next week is going to be very busy in my home, but it also leads me into a future topic–how self-created stress keeps me distracted from what’s really hurting me.

Until the next time, peace.